Made for You
by LoveThatXander
Summary: It’s only when Buffy died that she understood everything about life, death and Xander.


Title: Made For You  
Author: LoveThatXander  
Disclaimer: I don't own Buffy, Xander (*God* I wish I owned *him*!), the Scooby Gang or anything else Joss and UPN own...I'm just borrowing them for a while.  
Spoilers: This takes place just after Afterlife.  
Summary: It's only when Buffy died that she understood everything about life, death and Xander.   
Rating: Let's say...PG-13 for a sexual encounter but it's really tame compared to any romance novel out there.  
Pairing: Most definitely Buffy/Xander. One day, Joss will come to his senses and make it happen.  
Genre: Romance  
Feedback: This is my very first fanfic of any kind and I'd appreciate your comments. Go easy on me, please!   
Archiving: Sure, just let me know about it.  
Note: The italics mean inner thoughts.  
  
  
I'm alive. Again. I've cheated death more than once but this time, I was truly meant to die. It was my destiny to give my life for the world. It was once explained to that Death was my Gift. My Gift. I struggled with that revelation for some time, trying to understand how the death of anyone or anything could be a gift. Death is so cruel. So dark. Or at least I used to think so. Doctors train for years in order save precious lives from the frightening grasp of Death because it brings unspeakable pain and sorrow in its wake. I lost my mother shortly before my own death and I remember only too well what I went through. Hell on earth. If it hadn't been for Dawn, Giles and my friends, I don't know what I would have done to myself. Xander. The mere presence of Xander saved me from desperate thoughts on many occasions, although he'd never known it. Even I didn't know it at the time. It's only when I died that I understood everything about life, death and Xander.   
  
I have so much knowledge now, but I don't know what I'm supposed to do with it. Now I am aware of the delicate balance which exists on earth, why there is Good and even why there is Evil. I am not supposed to be breathing right now and the fact that I am is unnatural and not according to my destiny. My friends, with all their good intentions, brought me back. I have another chance at the life I could have had with them...and with Xander. But am I supposed to alter the new paths that have been created for them, paths which did not include me?  
  
Buffy's thoughts were interrupted by the appearance of the most gentle face she knew. Tara shyly sat beside her on the back porch steps of her house. It was now a rather full house since Willow and Tara had moved in to take care of Dawn while Buffy was dead.   
  
'Do you mind if I sit with you?', Tara quietly asked with the hint of a smile.  
  
Buffy looked at her for a moment. She admired how Tara seemed to find peace and exude serenity in this hellish world. The sorceress became visibly uncomfortable under the prolonged stare and lack of an answer, which she took as a rejection.  
  
'I...I'll leave you alone. I don't know what I was thinking disturbing you...'  
  
'No. Stay with me Tara'. Buffy looked down at her shoes and exhaled slowly. 'I'm still not completely my sociable self yet so bear with me. Ok?'  
  
Tara gave her one of her understanding smiles which conveyed 'It's alright, all is well, you are my friend and I am here for you'. That famous smile was one of the many reasons why Willow had fallen in love with her.   
  
They fell silent for a few minutes as they watched the sunset. While Tara enjoyed the colors stretching out over the horizon, Buffy let a single tear run away from her wet eyes. As it slid down her cheek, Tara noticed it and became concerned again. She hadn't seen the Slayer cry very often and she (and the gang) couldn't understand Buffy's behavior since they brought her back two weeks ago.  
  
Why is she crying? She never smiles. If we brought her back from Hell, shouldn't she be ecstatic to be here with us? She's had time to recover from the shock but I guess she needs more time. When she thanked us at the Magic Box, I know she said exactly what Willow and Xander needed to hear from her. Somehow, it didn't ring true...it seemed like she was reciting a story she'd memorised earlier.  
  
Tara gently put her hand on Buffy's back and spoke hesistantly.  
  
'Buffy, you obviously have something...very heavy weighing you down but if you...trust me enough, I can help you carry it.'  
  
Buffy wiped away her tear and looked at her, wondering if the sympathetic girl in front of her could even fathom how heavy the weight of the world was. Tara returned Buffy's intense stare with an encouraging smile. She decided to confide in her devoted friend. She turned to look at the twillight and took a deep breath.  
  
'Tara...I don't even know where to begin'. Her mind was reeling.  
  
'Just start anywhere and it will all fall into place'. Tara always knew what to say.  
  
'When I died...I didn't go to Hell. I...I'm almost sure I was in Heaven'. She glanced at her friend's face and saw the same stunned look that Spike had when she revealed the truth to him. He hadn't known what to say then and it seemed as though Tara was now at a loss for words.  
  
'I was warm and safe. I knew that everybody I loved was ok and I felt finished. Complete. And now...I'm back here and I don't know if... I can...deal'.  
  
Tara was feeling many emotions at once. She was relieved to finally know that there actually was a heaven. But she realized how crual it was to have taken Buffy away from it. She realized how selfish they had all been, bringing her back because they missed her and because they needed her to fight for their safety on the Hellmouth. And yet, Buffy was getting another chance at life and would undeniably go back to that wonderful place when she was done on earth. And she knew that Buffy's absence had slowly been killing Willow and Xander.  
  
'When I died, I also gained instant...knowledge about...everything. It's really hard to explain'.  
  
Tara nodded, her mouth slightly open, in a state of awe.  
  
'Do you still have that knowledge?'.  
  
Buffy closed her eyes and nodded. Tara looked at her intensely and became slightly out of breath.  
  
'And it's knowledge that you were only supposed to know once you were finished with your life on earth. And now you don't know how to reconcile that knowledge with a normal life.'  
  
Buffy turned her head abruptly and stared at her. Tara had hit it exactly on the nail! Buffy was dumbfounded that an ordinary girl could have such a grasp on such...otherworldy notions. She was truly an amazing person.  
  
'As normal as a Slayer's life can be, anyway', Buffy added, still stunned.  
  
It was now dark and cool outside. Buffy noticed that Tara was shivering but she suspected it had nothing to do with their surroundings.  
  
'If you'd like to go in, I'll understand'.  
  
Tara shook her head.  
  
'It's nice out here. We don't often get the chance to talk, just you and me.'  
  
Buffy appreciated her friend's attempts at normalcy.  
  
'I'm sure you realize that I can't tell you anything that I've learned up there or else you'd have a hard time living a normal life too.'  
  
'Yes, and I'd...rather keep it that way', she smiled weakly at Buffy.  
  
They fell silent for a while. Inside the house, Xander was peeking through the back door and noticed that the two girls weren't wearing jackets. He headed for the coat rack near the front entrance.   
  
Buffy never thought for a second that someone would be able to understand what she was going through, and yet, Tara was the answer to an unspoken prayer. Xander quietly appeared on the back porch, coats in hand, waiting for the right moment to interrupt what seemed to be an intense conversation.  
  
'Tara...I'd like to confide in you...about something I learned. It wouldn't really affect you directly. If you're ok with it'.  
  
Buffy nervously waited for a decision.   
  
'I'm listening', Tara responded smiling as bravely as she could.  
  
'It's about Xander'.  
  
Xander inhaled sharply but was drowned out by Tara's similar reaction.  
  
'What about Xander?'  
  
'There's a reason why I wasn't a normal girl in some other country. My...purpose in being the Slayer was to...protect the world but I was sent to Sunnydale for Xander.  
I...I was made for him...I don't know how else to explain it. I was specifically...created to make him happy but because I wasn't...doing a very good job of it, my fate became to sacrifice my life for him and the world. And, in preparation, Anya had been altered from her demon-state to replace me as the love of his life.'  
  
Tara was speechless but Xander found his voice.  
  
'I always knew it, Buffy', he said softly.  
  
With her slayer-reflexes, she got up to her feet and turned around to face him. Tara couldn't describe the expression on their faces but they were identical. It seemed to be a mix of love, discovery, and sorrow.  
  
'Somehow I always knew you were meant for me', he added.  
  
They were interrupted by the voices of Willow, Dawn and Anya coming from the kitchen, which meant that the movie they were watching had ended and they were cleaning up. Buffy and Xander, their eyes still locked, seemed to be communicating to each other that they would definitely pick up their conversation later. While Dawn and Willow hovered around the sink, Anya poked her head out the door.  
  
'Xander. The movie is finished and there are no more snacks. It's time to go. We've stayed long enough so that it's appropriate to leave'.  
  
Xander looked at her and nodded. She went back inside and he quickly helped Tara put her coat on. She smiled her thanks and he proceded to assist Buffy.  
  
'I thought both of you might be cold', he said shyly.  
  
He held her coat open, she slipped both arms into it and he rested it on her shoulders. He gently put his hands next to her neck and pulled out her long golden hair over the brown suede. She turned to face him. They were so close, close enough to kiss, and he seemed to want to. Willow came out and they stepped slightly apart. Xander took this as his cue.  
  
'Well, gotta go. Thanks for everything, guys'.  
  
He shot one last look at Buffy and left. Willow seemed a little confused by the strange atmosphere still lingering. She looked questionningly at Tara who just smiled at her.  
  
'You've got an amazing girlfriend, Willow', Buffy said, envying their closeness.  
  
'Glad somebody else noticed', replied the redhead, beaming with pride.  
  
  
  
Later that night  
2 am  
  
  
The house was quiet and all its occupants were sleeping save for the Slayer. Since her return, she had suffered from insomnia almost every night. In an attempt to encourage drowsiness and rest, she had taken a long, hot bath, and slipped on a comfortable yet feminine cotton nighty. She had gone to bed hours ago but she was still unable to drift off. She felt the restlesness that comes with missing someone who would make her complete and she knew exactly who that person was. She sighed heavily. The lack of sleep was driving her to the edge. The moon was almost full and it illuminated her room with a soothing blue light, which she silently thanked the heavens for. Suddenly, a black form appeared at her window and in a second, she knew who it was. She slowly sat up in bed and beckoned him to enter with her eyes. Xander pushed up the partially open window and came in. He sat at the far end of her bed, afraid to break the spell or awaken from the dream. They looked at each other with longing.   
  
God, she's just as beautiful as she's always been. If she was really made for me, then it can't be wrong to be with her, can it? I want to love her body as much as I love her being. Buffy...please let me love you.  
  
How could I not notice him before? His face, his body, his mind. If he was once my destiny, can I still be with him now? I need him. I need him to touch me. God, give me a sign that I can still have him.  
  
'Anya's gone. She was offered the chance to become a demon again and she took it'.  
  
He whispered it knowing she would understand everything it meant. It was all she needed to hear.  
  
'Xander', she whispered back, invitingly.  
  
He took off his coat and slipped off his sneakers while she lay back. In a moment, he was gently lowering himself on top of her. She loved the weight of his body on hers and parted her legs to accept his between them. She could feel his heart beating as fast as hers, perhaps even faster. He placed his hands behind her neck and she tenderly brushed his hair away from his eyes. He bent down and met her lips with his, starting off as a peck and then deepening into passionnate exchanges. Her body was responding to his touches by moving under him and that, in turn, excited him even more. He had dreamed about this moment for years and when she had died a few months ago, he was crushed by the notion that it would never happen. And yet, here they were making love. She had somehow found him again, even after dying.  
  
He felt his need to explore her grow. He slowly slipped off the thin straps of her nighty and kissed the skin where they use to be. Buffy was moaning and responding more than in any of his many, many wild dreams. She in turn pulled his sweater over his head and tossed it aside. He inhaled sharply at the sensation of her warm, small hands stroking his back. Taking their time, they gradually discovered each other until they were completely naked in each other's arms. She knew Xander was gentle and chivalrous but never realised that it would make him such a wonderful lover. Finally, they connected as they both felt the extasy of intimacy. The thrusts started slow and loving but as she moaned and demanded more, he gladly increased the pace and intensity until they were both in a pool of their combined sweat. While she closed her eyes to savour the sensations he was making her feel, he kept his eyes open and tried to permanently burn into his brain the sight of Buffy moaning his name. Just in case he wouldn't get another chance to be with her this way. He felt her spasm, which pushed him over the edge.  
  
'Buffy. My God, Buffy. I love you', he groaned as he felt himself floating into another dimension of sensations.  
  
She only had time to smile as he took her with him and they were reborn as contented lovers. When their breathing slowed and they came back down to earth, they lay on their side facing each other in the moonlight. Although they did not speak, they smiled and carressed each other gently until they fell asleep. They had never felt this kind of complete happiness before.  
  
  
  
Later that morning  
5:30 am  
  
Xander had woken up first and started dressing quickly. As he was just about ready to leave, Buffy opened her eyes, squinting to block out the strong rays of light. She slowly distinguished his form, fully dressed.  
  
'Xander? Where are you going, Sweetie?'  
  
Sweetie. She had called him Sweetie. He had never been given a pet name before. He broke out into one of his biggest, slanted, goofy smiles.  
  
'Everybody will be up soon and I figured you'd want time to tell them...'  
  
'I've already wasted enough time, years in fact, and where you're concerned, I'm not wasting one more second'.  
  
She hadn't thought it possible, but his grin grew even wider and sexier.  
  
'Now, I am still mistress of this house and you, young man, are going to march into that bathroom and join me in a shower'  
  
'Yes Mam'.  



End file.
